GILL PICKS UP THE REMOTE
TERRY No!! Don’t switch it off!!
TV O Eight hundred……


GILL SWITCHES OFF TELEVISION TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT
HAS BEEN ON. TERRY FOLLOWS GILL AROUND THE ROOM HIS
ANGER INCREASING


TERRY Gill! You daft thing! What did you switch it off for!!? Didn’t you see his
mug on the box??!! He’s wanted all over the country! Going around
using different names and conning poor defenceless women!! He’s
scum, Gill ! And you are his next victim if you’re not careful!! He’s not a
double glazing salesman, I bet he’s never done an honest days work in
his life! (GILL EXITS UPSTAIRS) Gill!! Gill!!(TERRY HOLDS HIS 

HEAD IN HIS HANDS IN EXASPERATION AND YELLS)Oh ! Gill I wish 

you could hear me!!

( IN HIS FRUSTATION HE PICKS UP A VASE
AND IS ABOUT TO THROW IT ON THE FLOOR WHEN HE
SUDDENLY REALISES WHAT HE HAS ACHIEVED. THERE IS
SHOCK ON HIS FACE AS HE LOOKS AT THE VASE THEN OUT TO
THE HALL WHERE GILL HAS GONE. HE SWALLOWS HARD,
BLOWS AND THEN NERVOUSLY AND SLOWLY REPLACES THE
VASE. HE LOOKS OUT TO THE HALL AGAIN THEN TRIES TO PICK
UP THE VASE A SECOND TIME.HE PUTS HIS HANDS AROUND IT
BUT CANNOT TOUCH IT AGAIN. HE CONCENTRATES HARD BUT
AFTER THREE ATTEMPTS. GIVES UP. TERRY WALKS AWAY
MESMERISED BY WHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED)

Oh, Vic. If you can
hear me I really need you at this moment.
DOORBELL
TERRY That must be Dennis the Menace! I’ll try and pick something up again.
This time it’s going right over his bonce!!


TERRY GOES TO SIDEBOARD AND ATTEMPTS TO PICK
SOMETHING UP BUT FAILS


TERRY Oh! Come on! Come on!

( HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND COUNTS TO
THREE TO CALM HIMSELF AS MAGENTA HOUSTON IS HEARD AT
THE FRONT DOOR)
MAGENTA Darling! Darling how are you? (KISSY KISS) Mwoa! Mwoa!
GILL (OFF) Hello. Come in


MAGENTA ENTERS. A CROSS BETWEEN NORMA DESMOND AND
CRUELLA DE VILLE. SHE IS FOLLOWED BY HER DAUGHTER
PRISCILLA, FRUMPY BESPECTACLED. THEY LOOK ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND THEATRICALLY AROUND THE ROOM,
UP AND DOWN


MAGENTA Oh! Yes!
PRISCILLA Oh! Yes!
TERRY ( LOOKING AROUND) Oh. No.
MAGENTA Ooh!! Priscilla!
PRISCILLA Ooh! Mother!!
TERRY Oh, here we go! We’ve had Dennis the Menace now here’s Minnie the
Minx and Beryl the bloody Peril!!
MAGENTA Oh, Priscilla! I’m sensing something here! Are you sensing something?
PRISCILLA There’s a strong sensation in this room!
GILL Oh, really?
TERRY Yes. Sorry about that. It’s Scotts feet.
MAGENTA Yes. It’s very strong.
TERRY We keep telling him to change his socks but he never listens.
MAGENTA Magenta Houston, chairperson of Spiritualists Level and confidante to
the stars is seldom wrong! I feel we are going to have a good night
tonight. The spirits are very active. What do you think Priscilla?
PRISCILLA I think the spirits are very active
GILL LOOKS PLEASED
TERRY Do you know what I think? I think the spirits have been very active in
you. You’re both pissed!
MAGENTA You, know Gill darling, I got very excited when I heard you were trying
to contact your dear mother and husband. I thought, ‘At last! ..At last
something tangible!’
TERRY Tangible? That’s an orange drink isn’t it?
PRISCILLA At last a connection!
TERRY Oh no. I was thinking of Um Bongo!
MAGENTA A connection, yesTERRY Dey Drink it in De Congo!!
MAGENTA You see, with myself a sensitive and my daughter Priscilla here a
clairvoyant, we can contact the dearly departed so much easier in the
place they loved to be the most!
TERRY You should have gone down the pub, then. That’s where I liked to be
the most
GILL Ooh. I’m very excited, myself !
TERRY So, O.K. Here I am. What do you want to ask me?
PRISCILLA IS BUZZING AROUND THE ROOM AGAIN
PRISCILLA Ooh! I can sense it! I can sense it!
TERRY Never mind that. When are you going to sing ‘Step Inside Love’??
PRISCILLA ( STOPS) Here it is!! A cold spot!
MAGENTA She’s found a cold spot!
GILL Oh. Do you want me to turn the heating up?
MAGENTA No, darling, no. Bless you! Priscilla has found a psychic cold spot.
That’s a good thing!
PRISCILLA It means it’s a portal to the Spirit World
TERRY Port Hole? Don’t talk wet! We’re ten miles from the sea!
MAGENTA We’ll conduct the séance there!
GILL Oh O.K. Well would you both like to sit down for some refreshment,
first?
MAGENTA Thank you, darling.
TERRY (MIMICKING HER) You’re welcome darling
PRISCILLA Thank you
TERRY (BOWING) Charmed!… Cor Blimey. Heebie bloody Geebies they are,
too!
MAGENTA Now darling, before we start, I hate to do it but we must get the grubby
little matter out of the way.TERRY Oh, it’s O.K. I’ll show her the door. Come on Cilla .
MAGENTA It’s the small matter of …Our fee.
TERRY Fee!!??
GILL Oh yes, of course. (GOES TO GET PURSE) It was thirty pounds wasn’t
it?
TERRY Thirty pounds!!?? You haven’t got thirty pounds to spare, Gill!
MAGENTA (TAKING MONEY) Thank you darling. (PUTS IT IN HER BAG)
TERRY Oh, Gill! ( RIGHT IN MAGENTAS FACE) You swindling old tart! She
needs that money! All you’re doing is giving her false hope! You and
your type are a bloody disgrace! Look at you! You can no more hear
me than she can!!
GILL Can I get you a drink? Tea, coffee?
TERRY Yeah. And charge them fifteen quid a cup, Gill!
MAGENTA I always find Camomile tea does the trick in these sessions.
PRISCILLA Yes. It enhances the senses. Doesn’t it Mother?
MAGENTA Oh, yes and every little helps
TERRY Said the little boy who pissed in the sea. What a load of codswallop
MAGENTA When our loved ones are on the cusp of our consciousness every
ounce of aid is an important commodity, isn’t it Priscilla ?
PRISCILLA Yes. And Camomile Tea calms the body, enhances the senses and
helps us make that vital connection.
TERRY Why didn’t you fetch your own then?
MAGENTA Oh yes it has helped in so many sessions. And it has so many health
benefits as well.
TERRY It wouldn’t surprise me if you’ve got shares in the company
MAGENTA I’ve converted all my celebrity clients to it. George, Will, Cheryl,
Simon… Of course I can’t say any more about that…
TERRY Cheryl, Simon, my foot! What about Stan and Ollie?
MAGENTA I remember one rather exciting session where Priscilla contacted my
beloved late Clement !GILL Oh. Have you been a widow long?
MAGENTA Oh, no darling. I’m not a widow. I’m divorced.
TERRY Why doesn’t that surprise me?
MAGENTA No. Clement was my little dog.
GILL Your dog?
TERRY (LAUGHING) Bloody Clement?
PRISCILLA He was a West Highland Terrier
TERRY Come on Clement! Here Clement! (WHISTLES) He’s not here !
MAGENTA Oh, I know what you’re thinking. How did Priscilla channel a little
Westie?
TERRY I wish you’d said he was a Shih- Tzu! I could have done that gag!
MAGENTA That’s what you was thinking, wasn’t it ?
TERRY What’s a Shih- Tzu?
GILL Well I was, yes
TERRY A zoo with no animals! Boom! Boom!
MAGENTA Yes. So many people say that. But I’d know those little yaps and happy
pantings anywhere and his little doggy spirit was coming through loud
and clear. Wasn’t it , Priscilla?
PRISCILLA (STICKING HER TONGUE OUT IMPERSONATING DOG) Yap! Yap!
TERRY Stone the crows! Sing us a song instead.Cilla Black (SINGS) Surprise
Surprise!!!
MAGENTA Oh! Clement was my little darling. I used to dress him up in little suits
and carry him around everywhere with me in a little wicker basket. He
was the little boy I never had. I cried and cried when he passed.
GILL Oh I’m so sorry
MAGENTA My ex husband, Priscilla’s father I shed no tears over. But the less said
about that.. Ha! Ha!
TERRY Why’s that? He promised to show you the world then bought you an
atlas?GILL Oh. Right. It’s sensitive I take it
TERRY He bought something to make you look sexy…twelve cans of Stella!
MAGENTA Well. It is yes.
PRISCILLA Yes. He ran off with a welder from Macclesfield.
MAGENTA Er..Ahem..Ha! Ha! Thank you Priscilla. I don’t think Gill wants to hear
about our dirty laundry!
TERRY Oh, yeah. Go on. Tell us more about the welder.
MAGENTA So, er. Do you have any camomile tea?
GILL Oh. No. I’ve only got P.G. Tipps.
MAGENTA Oh dear.
PRISCILLA Oh dear.
MAGENTA Oh well. We’ll just have to manage, I suppose. We’ll try and make
contact without it. It won’t make things any easier of course and I can’t
guarantee…..
GILL Oh well I could run down to the Spar on the corner . It won’t take me
five minutes
MAGENTA Oh would you darling
PRISCILLA Oh would you?
GILL I’ll see if they’ve got any. As long as you don’t mind waiting here.
MAGENTA Of course not darling. Missing you already!
GILL Oh…Right… Well I’ll be back in a tick.
MAGENTA Don’t forget your purse.
TERRY What’s the point? You’ve bloody emptied it for her!
DENNIS IS HEARD CALLING OFF
DENNIS Hello? Anyone home?
DENNIS ENTERSDENNIS Oh, here you all are! Sorry I’m late. You don’t mind me just walking in
do you,Gill ? The door was open
TERRY Must have been a disappointment for you, then Pal
GILL No come in, Dennis
TERRY No job satisfaction there. You prefer to break in from what I’ve heard
tonight!
DENNIS Hello everyone!
MAGENTA AND PRISCILLA WAVE
MAGENTA Come and sit down, Dennis
TERRY Hey! Who do you think you are? This is Gill’s house, not yours! Tell her
Gill!
DENNIS We had a lovely afternoon out didn’t we Gill?
TERRY In your X Type?
GILL Oh yes Dennis it was lovely.
TERRY I was hoping you’d get a puncture
MAGENTA Where did you go?
GILL We went down to Nash Point and had an ice cream, then we walked to
the lighthouse and stopped at a little beer garden on the way back.
TERRY Sounds idyllic.
GILL It was a nice change for me
MAGENTA Oh, Dennis you old romantic
DENNIS Magenta, don‘t! And not so much of the old!
MAGENTA I can see you’re starting to get spoiled, Gill! That’s always a sign!
DENNIS Magenta, please!
MAGENTA I always know! I always know the tell tale signs! You could get lucky,
Gill! Dennis is a very good catch you know!
TERRY I thought I could smell fish!
DENNIS Magenta! Stop teasing! We only went for a drive!GILL Well, er…I’ll just nip to the shop. I won’t be long
DENNIS Oh have you run out of something
GILL I’m just going to see if they have any camomile tea.
DENNIS Ah! The old communication concoction. Magenta swears by it.
MAGENTA I do! I do! Off you trot, then Gill. The spirits can’t wait forever!
GILL Oh. Of course not. I’ll see you in a bit then
GILL EXITS. NOW THE TRIO’S CHARACTERS CHANGE
DENNIS Well, what do you think, Sis?
TERRY REACTS AT THIS REVELATION
MAGENTA (LOOKING AROUND) Perfect Dennis. You’ll settle in well here for a
while. At least it’ll get your stinking carcass off my couch! Yeah. She’ll
do. Nice bit of Prime Rump and no mistake! Young widow, own house,
mothers house to sell, probably a nice fat insurance policy somewhere,
too! You done well to spot that one in the meetings. I didn’t notice her.
Bit of a mouse.
DENNIS They’re always the best ones, Sis. Only two things stand in our way as
I see it, though. One. That kid. He’s a big lad but a bit of a Mummy’s
Boy. She doesn’t like leaving him
MAGENTA That’s O.K. Evenings in with Takeaways or I’ll babysit. Sorted.
DENNIS O.K. Two. She still hankers after the old man. The late Mr. Marshall.
She’s besotted with him. I don’t think even my charm and good looks
will be enough. We’ll have to treat her with kid gloves.
MAGENTA Right. We’ll play it cool. You’re good at that, Dennis. Cilla, you know the
drill.
PRISCILLA Yeah, Mum. I’ll lay it on thick. When she comes back we start the
séance. We get through to Mr. M then I starts doing the voices and
crying and saying all sorts of stuff about how sorry I was to be such a
bad husband having loads of affairs and that!
MAGENTA Perfect, Cilla. That year you spent in Madamme Zsa Zsa’s Drama
Acadamy has served us well!


DURING THE NEXT SEQUENCE,THE TRIO GET INTO A HUDDLE
ON THE SETTEE AND SILENTLY DISCUSS THEIR PLANS
FURTHER.

TERRY Oh, no ! Vic!… Vic if you can hear please come now! I need you!


VIC ENTERS


VIC O.K. Terry I’m here. So you want to help Gill find that insurance policy.
TERRY No, Vic! It’s gone way beyond that! I don’t want her to ever find that
policy!
VIC Why not?
TERRY Because they want to take it off her! They’re planning to swindle her!
VIC Oh, no!
TERRY We’ve got to stop them Vic ! We’ve got to scare them away or
something
VIC I told you Terry. It doesn’t happen like that!
TERRY Don’t lie to me, Vic!
VIC I’m not lying!
TERRY Please , Vic! Stop treating me like a fool!
VIC Terry, calm down!
TERRY I know! O.K!?
VIC What?
TERRY I know it can be done!
VIC Terry, look….
TERRY I picked up an ornament earlier!
VIC (SHOCKED) You did what?
TERRY I lost my temper and somehow I picked up a vase from the sideboard
VIC (NERVOUSLY) Oh Holy Moses! Did anyone see it?
TERRY No. There was no one in the room at the time, but…
VIC Did the lights dim? Did the Television stop working?
TERRY What?VIC This is important, Terry! Did anything electrical malfunction?
TERRY I don’t know !……But…You’ve got to help me do it again!
VIC We’re not poltergeists, Terry! What you did was unethical!
TERRY Unethical?
VIC I’ve stuck my neck out for you, Terry, Against all advice I asked for you
to stay here a bit longer. I vouched for your good character!
TERRY What did I do wrong?
VIC We can’t interfere with the living, Terry! The average person on the
street isn’t equipped to deal with that sort of thing!
TERRY So you did lie to me then! You said there was no way I could contact
Gill
VIC Only to make you come with me! You needed to move on! I didn’t lie
about that, but I couldn’t have you messing with things you didn’t
understand! Things that would scare people! Gill and Scott! There have
to be rules in place!
TERRY Rules? Like the rules they live by? (POINTS TO TRIO) Pretending to
talk to people from beyond the grave? Giving false information to poor
desperate people? Then robbing them?!
VIC I know, Terry. They are the worse sort of people. They are the ones
who give real Clairvoyants a bad name
TERRY Real clairvoyants? What are you talking about? There are no real
clairvoyants. Every one of them are frauds! They’re all out to make an
easy buck!
VIC You’re wrong Terry
TERRY Doing phoney séances . Pretending to hear things that are not there!
VIC That’s not the case!
TERRY How can you say that Vic?
PAUSE
VIC Because I was one.
TERRY You?VIC Yes. I helped people contact their loved ones…. From a young age I
really could speak to those who had passed over.
TERRY You’re kidding me!
VIC No Terry. I had a day job as well. So I took no money from people. I
just helped. There are genuine people out there who do help. And only
want to help. I was one. And now I’ve passed over myself. I try to help
spirits like you.
PAUSE
TERRY So will you help me now?
VIC By spooking them? I told you it’s unethical.
TERRY But it can be done! I’ve proved that!
VIC (SIGHS) Yes. By using the right methods it can be done but it doesn’t
make it right. We have responsibilities.
TERRY I have a responsibility to my wife and son!
VIC What did I tell you before? We’re on a distant plateau, now. Your
responsibility is to exist in this plateau then to move on and not to
interfere with the living in the mean time. You must never frighten the
ordinary person on the street whoever they are.
TERRY (AT TRIO) But they’re scum!
VIC It makes no difference, Terry. We can’t interfere.
PAUSE. TERRY IS SUDDENLY HIT WITH AN IDEA
TERRY But Vic!! They’re not ordinary people! They’re Clairvoyants!!
VIC LOOKS AT TERRY AND GRINS PLAYFULLY
VIC Say that to me one more time.
TERRY Vic. They…are…clairvoyants!!!


VIC IS AMUSED AT TERRY’S SUGGESTION BUT WRESTLES WITH
HIS CONCIENCE FOR A MOMENT


VIC No we can’t….Can we…Oh, no !! Oh…O.K.then, you’ve talked me into
it. Let’s have some fun!!
TERRY AND VIC MOVE TO THE SIDEBOARD WITH ANIMATED
CHATTERMAGENTA O.K. So we’re clear what we’re gonna do? Right, lets have a practice
run through before the silly bint gets back.. O.K. Cilla? Bring that coffee
table over here.
PRISCILLA O.K. Mum
PRISCILLA BRINGS COFFEE TABLE TO CENTRE
VIC Alright, Terry. We’ll start with something small
MAGENTA We’ll need a glass. Go in the kitchen and see if you can find one.
PRISCILLA EXITS TO KITCHEN
VIC Now then, concentrate on that pencil!
MAGENTA Dennis. You keep an eye out and tell us if you see her coming back
DENNIS MOVES FAR LEFT AND LOOKS OUT ‘ WINDOW’
VIC Use all your energy to lift it.
TERRY’S HANDS STRAIN OVER PENCIL ON SIDEBOARD
MAGENTA Now then this is where Cilla told the daft mare where the cold spot was
so we’ll hold the séance here. ( PUTS COFFEE TABLE ON SPOT)
Cilla have you found a glass?
PRISCILLA (OFF) Yes Mum!
MAGENTA Well where is it then, Africa?
PRISCILLA (OFF) Coming!
MAGENTA Well hurry it then, we haven’t got forever!
ENTER PRISCILLA WITH GLASS SHE PLACES IT ON COFFEE
TABLE. TERRY IS STILL STRUGGLING TO LIFT PENCIL
TERRY I can’t do it, Vic!!!
MAGENTA Right. I’ll make a start.
PRISCILLA AND MAGENTA SIT AROUND COFFEE TABLE
VIC Use your energy!!
MAGENTA (THEATRICAL AGAIN) We call upon our spirit friends to come
forward!TERRY I’m trying!
MAGENTA If there are any spirit friends among us please draw near !
VIC Think of the anger you felt earlier and channel it towards the pencil.
MAGENTA Spirits! If you can hear me . If there are any of you present please
make yourselves known to us!
PRISCILLA (EYES CLOSED DEEP VOICE) It’s me….Terry!!
MAGENTA ( COMES OUT OF CHARACTER SLAPS PRISCILLA) Not yet! I’ve got
to build the atmosphere up first!
PRISCILLA Sorry Mum!
TERRY I can’t do it!!
MAGENTA Right I’ll have to start again ( MAGENTA GOES INTO PHONEY
TRANCE)
VIC Look at them, Terry. They’re trying to make a fool of Gill!! They want to
swindle her, steal from her and cheat her! They’re nothing but dirt
Terry! You’ve got to stop them!
TERRY GROWLS WITH ANGER AND SLOWLY LIFTS THE PENCIL
TERRY I did it Vic!
VIC Good ! Now put it down! ( HE DOES SO SLOWLY) Now, think of how
you channelled that energy and try it with something else. That
photograph!


REPEAT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO LIFT PHOTOGRAPH


MAGENTA (COMING OUT OF TRANCE & CHARACTER) O.K. So we’ll start with
a bit of that but don’t rush it, Cilla. We’ve got to let her think that it ain’t
gonna happen at first so she’ll be disappointed. Then, when he
eventually comes ‘through’, Wink, Wink,. She’ll be so relieved the
stupid cow will believe anything you tell her!
VIC Go on, Terry! Use the energy in the room! Use your anger!
TERRY Yes ! Yes! (TERRY’S HANDS SHAKE OVER PHOTO FRAME)
PRISCILLA I might tell her I robbed a bank!